The Old Man and his Longsword
by A Certain Individual
Summary: Now that Theoden is young and hip again (thanks to Gandalf) he can finally resume his favourite hobby of self-fulfillment with his most favourite object in the whole wide world, his sword.


A/N: Since I don't remember what happened very well, this short story is my version of the events. It was inspired by the oh-so-obvious genitalia reference in The Two Towers. Either you know what I'm talking about, or I have a sick mind. It doesn't matter. On with the show!  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Theoden's sword. That is his pleasure alone.  
  
I May Be Older Than An Ent, But I've Got A Really Big Sword. ( the title I preferred, but ff thought it was too long! [pout]  
  
Aragorn, Legolas, Gimil, and Gandalf the suddenly-now-white ran up the castle steps and stopped in front of the guards.  
  
"We are here to see King Theoden." Legolas stated as he tried to stare down the guys that had prevented their dramatic entrance scene. The head guard eyed the four suspiciously. "Sorry bro," he said finally, "but you have to leave your weapons at the door. Castle policy."  
  
"Forgive me good guard," said Aragorn, bowing sexily, "but we are not carrying any." "Bullocks." The guard rubbished. "Then why are you wearing a scabbard?"  
  
Aragorn cursed; he had forgot he was wearing it. Having lost a battle of wits with the simple-minded castle bouncer, he began slowly pulling out his many concealed weapons (in a suggestive manner of course). The others did the same.  
  
Gandalf tried to smuggle in his staff, ruing the fact that it was too big to stuff up any orifice. "You can't take that in here." The mean man stopped him.  
  
Gandalf gave a sad smile. "You wouldn't deprive a decrepit old man of the one livelihood in his pathetic existence, would you?" "Well, I guess I'm not that cold-hearted." Said the suddenly warm-hearted man, and he allowed Gandalf to pass, who was relieved that he wouldn't have to shove his staff up any orifices at all, and yet, for some strange reason, he was a little disappointed.  
  
The door swung open quickly, crushing several men (but anything that keeps the population down). Our favourite heroes swaggered inside, trying to ignore the painfully obvious territorial gangs, who were dogging their every step in the shadows. Up ahead they could see the oldest man in the world. A hideously ugly man with shaved eyebrows was sitting at his feet like a devoted dog.  
  
"Why are you so late?" The old thing whined, "I thought we were friends." Wormtongue stood up and applauded. "That's the best question I've ever heard in my entire life! I love this guy! Ahem. He makes a very good point. You guys suck!" He handed out free glares to all in the room, and let out a girly scream when he noticed Gandalf was holding his staff.  
  
"You fools! You foolish fools!" He howled. "Why did you let him bring his staff in? If we die it's your fault!" "Oh dry up Wormtongue you great prune!" Gandalf yelled, and he marched up to Theoden. Wormtomgue yelped and scuttled away, abandoning Theoden in his time of need.  
  
Gandalf leaned right close to Theoden, until his lips were almost touching his earlobe. "Get this molestor of goats away from me." Theoden managed to wheeze over a time span of a few minutes, despite being on his death-throne. He looked vaguely worried, but his men couldn't tell due to his facial expressions all looking the same.  
  
Nobody moved to preserve Theoden's honour, as they were all too afraid of getting zapped by Gandalf. Taking a deep breath, Gandalf gathered all the vocal strength he could muster and yelled into Theoden's ear: "FUCK OFF SARUMON!!!!!" As he rapped Theoden sharply on the forehead with his staff. Somewhere, far far away, Sarumon rubbed his forehead. "Ow." Meanwhile, back at the castle, everyone watched horrified as Theoden suddenly aged 2000 years backwards in a few minutes. Eowyn wondered why she hadn't noticed him getting that old in the first place.  
  
"That's better," he said when he'd finished, and then realised everyone was staring at him. "What? Ah Gandalf! My old friend! So you finally got round to washing those filthy robes of yours?" "Theoden! How are you feeling?" "Pretty great actually. Thanks. How are you?" "Well, however great you're feeling now, I bet you'd feel even better if you grasped your sword." Gandalf nodded his head wisely. "Why Gandalf! That statement had no barely hidden sexual references at all!" Theoden said innocently, "how did you know how much I missed holding my sword?" "I could see the need in your eyes."  
  
Suddenly, without warning, Theoden flipped out his sword for all of the world to see. A collective gasp filled the room. A man in front fainted. Theoden trembled as he gripped the hilt of his sword, tears filling his eyes. "I had forgotten how good this felt. It has been much too long little Theoden Junior."  
  
His men burst into tears of happiness. They hadn't seen their beloved king look so radiant for a long time. "This brings back so many memories." Theoden continued. "Let me tell you a little bit of history behind my favourite source of pleasure."  
  
He addressed the room, though his eyes were closed. "Below this magnificent smooth shaft, are the family jewels. They were inherited by me the day I was born, and I've been in close contact with them ever since. A man can truly feel like a king whenever he holds his sword. Speaking of which, where is my son?" "He died, remember?" "Bugger. Oh well, I've got my sword now."  
  
With that, he retreated to his personal chambers for some private time alone with his sword, leaving behind him a hall filled with jelly-legged and panting people. Eowyn was left standing next to Grima. Neither of them noticed, as both of them were filled with hope, and some other emotions that were strange and deeply confusing.  
  
Upstairs, and finally alone, Theoden was once again a very happy man.  
  
Fin  
  
************  
  
A/N: The quotes that I accidentally slip in need to be acknowledged.  
  
I May Be Older Than An Ent, But I've Got A Really Big Sword = The title of a song made up by the wonderful Cassandra Claire.  
  
Bro = Just a little colloquial New Zealander talk for the people playing the extras. Go New Zealand!  
  
You fools! You foolish fools! = A hilarious episode of Futurama. Al Gore when Fry ceased the existence of the entire universe.  
  
Oh dry up Wormtongue you great prune = Take a wild guess. Hint: the boy who never dies, and his famous battle wound. Hardly a battle if you ask me. How much fight could a baby put up? But, if he died, then there would be no story which we all know and love (and find plot-holes in).  
  
A collective gasp filled the room. A man in front fainted = from the Dilbert Future. I love that bit. It was in the smoke filled fantasy room where silver-haired men decided which words were swear words.  
  
Filled with hope, and some other emotions that were strange and deeply confusing = Another Futurama quote. Zapp Brannigan when he sees Leela dressed in drag.  
  
A very happy man = the last words of the Postman Pat theme song, which strangely came to me as I wrote the last sentence. 


End file.
